I'm lying awake listening to the wind. A dustbin (or something), just fell over. I'm glad hubby secured the garage door. The rain has warped the wood.
It seems I do all my 'best' worrying at night time, and even though I try very hard to sleep, insomnia is a lifelong thing, but it's worse now.
I used to like the nights. I loved the calmness and the feeling that the world is all mine. It used to be my most creative time, so I was never worried about not sleeping.
Now though, I'm either lying awake worrying about the future, -being without hubby, the Cerebral Palsy getting worse, or the WCA.
If I do sleep, I often have nightmares about the WCA itself -not even so much the outcome.
A recurring one is I'm sitting on a chair in the assessment room. It's very dark and there is a panel of people watching me, judging me.
They ask leading questions, that seem innocent but they're not. They know it and so do I.
They shine coloured lights in my eyes, and keep asking me more and more questions -like a quick-fire quiz show - and I can't answer. It's too fast and I can't think!
Most of the nightmares are similar to this. In some they come to my home, and they are judging the things I have. They are invading my space, where I once felt safe. There is suspicion - and an uneasy atmosphere which I can feel, even in sleep.
In the dream (whichever version it is), I feel panic. I want to try and get away from the questions, judgement, - (and feeling like I'm not worth it), but in the darkness I can't find a door, - and I'm trapped!
They get closer and closer and questions get more and more personal, along with 'why should WE pay for YOU'?! You're a drain on society'! It goes on...
I usually wake up shaky and sweating! Sometimes I've cried out. My muscles tense and spasm which increases my pain. I either can't get back to sleep, or I don't want to, in case I have another one.
No one should be going through this on their own home - as a result of government policy.
The fear of assessment and the scrounger rhetoric, is a psychological war, which government have declared on vulnerable people who already suffer enough, and really don't need the extra stress!
Even writing this isn't easy. I share a lot of things about my life - but describing my nightmares seemed like a step too far, even for me.
I've decided to do it though because I want everyone to know what disabled and ill people are being put through - and by writing about it, I'm taking power back, and I want YOU to understand that I didn't ask for this!
Disability and illness are not things I would choose. No one would. In an ideal world, I'd be well, disability free. I wouldn't be so tired. I'd have a career, and children. I'd be able to walk unaided and I'd feel no pain - but I don't have those options - especially not since what mobility I did have is rapidly deteriorating, due to the 'wear and tear' of life with Cerebral Palsy.
I'm in fear of the envelope that tells me my assessment is due, and I jump at the sound of the letterbox.
I've tried to raise awareness of disability all my life and I've tried my best to fight the injustice that goes with it. I just never thought I'd be fighting against our government, and feeling the 'scrounger rhetoric' dismantling my self esteem, bit by bit.
Depression is worse, anxiety is worse, and now my pain is too.
These are my nights - tonight, tomorrow night, and probably every night after that, until I feel safe and wanted by government.