It's been a rough few weeks for me. Well, it's been a rough year for all disabled and ill benefit claimants, as we continue to fight this government.
I suppose, given my (almost) lifelong battle with depression, the fight and constant worry, coupled with lack of sleep and pain too, I was always going to have another bout eventually. Thankfully it's been a short one, and I am beginning to feel much better.
The constant lies and 'scrounger rhetoric' hurts every single one of us. It is not like we choose our disabilities, illnesses and limitations!
I'd love to live a 'normal' life more than anything else in the world.
As I've said before, it breaks my heart sometimes, knowing that I can never have children and watch them grow, knowing I can't stand long enough without pain to cook a meal for my husband. I can barely stand long enough to make a cup of tea without pain ripping through the lower half of my body.
It's not just the Cerebral Palsy, it's the Endometriosis too. If you add to that the Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and the exhaustion that pain brings. You might understand why I get depressed sometimes!
It's just so hard to know you face the same struggles for the rest of your life. I will never be 'free' to do the things others do.
None of us want this for ourselves. Now we have to cope with the extra stress of what this government is doing to our lives.
I for one, have felt so hopeless and helpless - so beaten down by it all. I feel it often but I manage to fight it off usually, by throwing myself into the campaign and reminding myself that I am not alone.
In the last few weeks though, something gave in me. I wasn't suicidal by any means, but I just felt so tired. I wish they knew what damage they are doing to us - how much it hurts to be made to feel like you are 'persona non grata' in society.
I wish they cared.
It's all bonuses for rich people, and big business. I can't help but feel that if they claimed back the tax they are owed, and closed certain loopholes, then the poor and vulnerable wouldn't have to pay the price like we are now.
We don't ask for much.
Anyway, I just thought I would share yesterday's Facebook status with you, to remind people that they aren't alone. We all want to give up sometimes...but I won't. Not while there are people out there facing such uncertain futures, who cannot speak for themselves.
Here it is:
'Now that (I think) I'm coming to the end of a mini bout of depression, I can admit it to you. If you know me well, you'll know that I've suffered with it on and off since I was 14 - with the worst bouts being in my teens.
You will also know that I've taken antidepressants since then. The depression is 'clinical' and made worse by permanent damage to my body's ability to produce serotonin, due to so much anaesthetic over a short period of time when I had my surgery.
The last few weeks especially, I've been weepy and tired. I'm always tired, but I've felt like every piece of energy has been zapped out of me. If I'm honest, campaigning has been so hard - and I have felt like chucking it in and walking away. Just letting what happens, happen! I KNOW that isn't me!
When I don't want to sing - or rather when singing doesn't make me feel better, there's a problem. When I don't even want try and beat my writers' block - that's a really bad sign!
I've just felt completely worthless and useless and like I just can't be bothered, even to do the things I love.
Hubby said he's noticed a few times, but I've hidden it well. That's the thing with depression, sometimes you feel like you have to hide it, because no one wants to know someone who is feeling awful about themselves, and about life in general.
'I wish you'd talk to me' comes out of people's mouths so easily, but it's very difficult to know where to start, or put into words something that you really don't understand yourself - and 'I wish you'd talk to me' is easy to say, but it is harder to listen sometimes.
Anyway, what I really wanted to say, was that I'm sorry if I haven't been myself lately, or I haven't done or said what you needed me to. However, (hopefully) I'm on the right track again now.
The fight back will continue! :-)
Love, H xx'